a day ago
Dear Richard Madeley: My husband's still friendly with a woman he had an affair with 15 years ago
Dear Richard,
My husband of 40 years had two affairs which I only learnt of 15 years ago. He came with me to counselling when the first affair came to light, but didn't reveal the existence of the second until later. Still, we decided to make the best of it and we stayed together, and I don't think he's strayed since.
My problem is that he is still in touch with the second woman, the one he didn't want to talk about at counselling. He sends her birthday cards and they write newsy emails (I recently saw one of these on his computer). He insists nothing untoward is going on but I am convinced he has feelings for her – he's been very defensive on the few occasions when I've brought the subject up.
The thing is that she lives pretty close by, and it would be easy for him to slip by and see her. I don't want to be his jailer and I don't want to deny him a friendship but this has made me feel that we rebuilt our relationship on very shaky foundations 15 years ago, and I am having hard time believing anything he says at the moment.
Given that we're all in our 70s I'm not sure it matters – but if it turned out that this woman is 'the one that got away' and he's always carried a torch for her, I'd feel decidedly miffed. In the meantime it's eroding our (mostly pretty friendly and supportive) day-to-day relationship. I have asked him outright whether he's seeing her romantically and he's said no – but he's lied about her to me before. What should I believe?
– S, via email
Dear S,
Yourself. Your 'still, small voice'. Your instinct. Faced by a husband with a record for betrayal, lying and obfuscating, I really don't see what else you can do. You've been thrown back, perforce, on your own resources. So, trust your judgment.
I've reread your letter and your tone is remarkably calm, controlled and considered. You are very much the grown-up in the room, S. By contrast, your husband is behaving like an entitled child. So you must assert yourself.
It is COMPLETELY unacceptable for him to maintain a cosy relationship with one of his former mistresses. They're not simply old friends or former colleagues. They were lovers. She was his big secret. You tell me she lives nearby and wonder if he is still secretly visiting her. I'm sorry to tell you I think it's very likely that he is. He sounds to me like the sort of man who grants himself permission to do more or less whatever takes his whim.
Of course, if you issue him with an ultimatum – cease all contact with this former (and very possibly current) paramour – there's every prospect he'll simply continue doing so in secret. In which case – and I don't mean to sound melodramatic – you may wish to make brief employment of a private detective. Your mind will be put at rest, or your suspicions confirmed.
Knowledge is power, S. And you need to know exactly what's going on so you can make decisions that work for you. Good luck.
